I often have to tell people that what they want is not going to happen. This is really tough. Predicting failure is not something anyone wants to do. You are dashing their fondest hopes. They are tempted to shoot the messenger. I realized there had to be a better way, a way of empowering people to have the ability to get what they truly want. Sometimes what people want is not in their highest good, sometimes they themselves are not in another person’s highest good. The most common thing I find, is that most people do not know exactly what they want. “I want Tom to love me and commit to me”. Actually what this person wants is a love that is committed. Their focus, however, is on Tom. When asked what they miss about Tom, really miss, I often hear they miss just being with someone who made them feel ‘special’.

There were many problems with Tom, he took her for granted, he never followed through in promises, he put his friends before her. He lied often. He never told her where she stood with him. She was dissatisfied with the relationship long before it ended, now that it is gone, she is in mourning and would give anything to have good ol’ unreliable Tom back. Sometimes I can see that Tom IS coming back and the relationship will start again. Once again she will be sitting by the phone, up at 2AM wondering where he is and why he did not come over as planned. How ‘special’ is she feeling now?

My time with clients is limited. I say as much as I can in the allotted time. Often they do not need to change Tom, they need to get their power back. Most of all they need to know exactly what it is they truly want out of life. This, usually, is the last thing a dwelling client wants to hear.

A huge mistake we make, is assuming we have only this one chance or opportunity to have what we want. As though God handed us an envelope with the word ‘opportunity’  on it and said “Here it is, make the most of it because you are not getting another”. God has stacks of envelopes.

Deciding what we want has to be the most important thing we can do for ourselves. What do you want to do with your life? Where do you see yourself in 5 years? How do you feel about yourself? Do you love you? Would you like someone like you to be your best friend? Can you trust yourself, or for that matter, can anyone else?

Take a few days or weeks to decide what you really, really, want out of life. Not for another, for you personally. If you cannot decide, then go through a process of elimination and decide what you don’t want. What do you want? Is it a mate? Let’s assume it is for a moment.

1. Does he have a good sense of humor?
2. Does he have a steady job?
3. Does he have decent credit?
4. Is he addicted to alcohol or drugs?
5. Does he have a good relationship with his family?
6. What does he want out of life?
7. Does he set goals and reach them?
8. Does he want children?
9. If he has children, how often does he see them?
10. Does he support them?
11. How does he feel about God?
12. Does he suffer from depression?
13. Do you have to build up his ego?
14. Is he faithful?
15. Is he still upset about things that happened to him years ago?
16. Is he stingy?
17. Does he have an STD?
18. Is he healthy and does he take care of himself?
19. Is he a slob?
20. Does he have an unreasonable fear of food that looks healthy?
21. Can he cook?
22. Can he do laundry?
23. Does he like animals?
24. Does he drive like Mario Andretti?
25. Is he still carrying a torch for his high school girlfriend?
26. How important is sex to him?
27. How much is his yearly income?
28. Does he make you feel great about you, without even saying the words?
29. Does he second guess his every decision?
30. Does he listen to you when you have an anxiety or problem, or do you feel you are always nurturing him?
31. Can he communicate?
32. Does he know the difference between sexual and emotional intimacy?
33. Does he encourage you in your goals?
34. Can he repair a leaky faucet?
35. Is beer more important to him than water?
36. Is he consistent with his attentions?
37. Does he plan for the future?
38. Are you included in these plans?

Making a list is strong way to show God that you know what you want. Making lists opens the doors for a thousand unseen hands to help you attain your heart’s desire. Making lists forces you to really think about what you want. It’s a way to work hand in hand with God. It’s no wonder we get good ol Tom when our list says only “I want a boyfriend”.

If it is a job you want, then:

1. what is your title?
2. How many hours a week do you work?
3. Do you have a long commute?
4. Is it satisfying?
5. Is it stressful?
6. Is it creative?
7. What is your salary?
8. What are your benefits?
9. Is there opportunity for advancement?
10. Who are your co-workers?
11. Do you have a boss?
12. Is she a kind boss?
13. Are the premises clean?
14. Do the bathrooms work?
15. Do you have to clock in?
16. Is there a daycare nearby?

1. What style?
2. How many bedrooms?
3. How many square feet?
4. How many bathrooms?
5. Does it have a fenced yard?
6. Does it have a pool?
7. What are the taxes?
8. What are the payments?
9. Can you afford the payments and still eat?
10. What are the average utilities?
11. Is the neighborhood decent?
12. How close to shops and malls?
13. Is the kitchen big and bright?
14. Does it have a fireplace?
15. Trees or a garden?
16. Does it have air conditioning or a heater?
17. Is the roof in good shape?
18. Is the plumbing sound?
19. Will anything need replacing soon?
20. Does your furniture fit?
21. Does it have a basement or storage room?
22. Do you have to climb stairs?
23. Do you have friendly neighbors or do they look like they may have escaped from some scary institution?

At the top of my lists, I have “This or something better”. There are thing I may forget or cannot even imagine needing. God knows what is best for me, so writing “This or something better” allows him to change things for me.

I had a client who decided it was time to get married. I told her to make a list. She decided to make a very short list, it just said “I want a husband” well she got one, only to later find out, he was someone else’s husband. This was quite upsetting for her and luckily she found out before her heart was committed. Be specific but also understand, the longer your list, the longer it may take to fill.

We think nothing of making lists to go to the grocery store so we do not forget some important item. Making lists helps us decide what we want. It works just as well for life’s most important decisions.

Article above provided with express permission of author, Cynthia Willes (Cyndall)